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Message de blackserious posté le 2004-08-27 10:13:56 (S | E | F | I)
bonjour voila jai 3 textes (je dois faire un au passé, une biographie, et un texte au futur) et j'aimerai que on me les corrige au plus vite, car j'ai un examen de passage (lundi 30), c'est pour voir si je suis au point concernant les texte voila merci d'avance ( jai 16 ans,, 4eme année secondaire).

Passé:Last summer


On 4 and 5 July, I went to the party in my village, it was very fun ! And I was drinking a soda when my best friend call me, It was Benjamin. But I have just danced on the music techno. On 25 July, I was going to Luxembourg with my parents, and we were buying lot of things. I have bought a video game, it was Final Fantasy. Every week, I was going to cinema. I have seen Spiderman, Matrix, Butterfly Effect … But at one moment, I had some to make the same thing all the time enough. Then one day, on 7 August, I decided to make a day for gone in an amusement park with my friends. We decided to went to Six Flags Belgium. It was very exciting in the attractions ! On 23 august, there was my birthday, and every family went at home for a dinner. I received cd, video game, … And on 3 September, I was happy and unhappy to returned at the school.

Biographie:Alexandre the large one

He was born in Pella on 356 BC, 336 to 323; he was large soldier heads of the history. He created the bigger empire and he developed the Greece knowledge in the known world. He was the soon of Philippe II, and he received a strong formation military and politics since he was very young. When his father died, he took the power, at the moment he had 20 years old. He reunifies the Greeks for fight to common enemy, the perses. He controlled a few 30000 infantrymen and 5000 riders; He had across the Hellespont, and annexed the perse empire to his empire. He won the battle in 334 BC against Darius III. After He penetrated in Egypt or it founded Alexandria. It dispersed the army of Darios in Mesopotamia. He was the master of the perse empire; it moved towards India and made a combat against Poros. Then it married Roxane, which was the girl of Darius III and into 323 BC, where as it still hoped to do many conquests it dies.

Futur(proche):Next Week-end

Friday evening I’m going to go to one evening organized in my village. I’m going to be with my friends and one going to go dancer and to discuss with girls. Then one going to return worm 2-3h of the morning. The following day, I’m going to go has my match of Rugby and one will gain like always! But after midday I’m going to work for the school because I’m going to have tests for the following week. The evening I’m going to make my match of table tennis where my team is going to win! Sunday morning, I’m going to make the grace morning, and towards 10h30 I’m going to wake up myself for have my breakfast which going to be to compose of crescent, and of the bread, and a good coffee! After midday will be calm and I wouldn’t make large thing! The evening I’m going to look at a good dvd on my ps2!

-------------------
Edité par bridg le 28-08-2004 08:14
Fais attention à la façon dont tu demandes l'aide dont tu as besoin, tu es très "impératif" et "pressant" donnant l'impresSion que l'urgence de la situation vient du fait que tu as passé de bonnes vacances et que tu te réveilles au dernier moment en nous "refilant le bébé dans les bras" même si ça n'est pas vrai. Avec cette technique tu ne donnes pas aux correspondants l'envie de t'aider. Le titre formulé ainsi est déja un obstacle pour déclencher les bonnes volonté.

-------------------
Edité par bridg le 28-08-2004 10:18


Réponse: re:Textes a corriger!urgent de redpanther, postée le 2004-08-27 12:32:09 (S | E)
salut,
je ne sais pas si je dois te corriger ou te dire quel genre d'erreurs tu as fait ?


Réponse: re:Textes a corriger!urgent de pitchoon, postée le 2004-08-27 14:23:52 (S | E)
J'ai mis en rouge les choses qui me semblent incorrectes ou mal dites.
Bon courage.


On 4 and 5 July, I went to the party in my village, it was very fun ! And I was drinking a soda when my best friend It was Benjamin. But I have just danced on the music techno. On 25 July, I was going to Luxembourg with my parents, and we were buying lot of things. I have bought a video game, it was Final Fantasy. Every week, I was going to cinema. I have seen Spiderman, Matrix, Butterfly Effect … But at one moment, I had some to make the same thing all the time enough. Then one day, on 7 August, I decided to make a day for gone in an amusement park with my friends. We decided to went to Six Flags Belgium. It was very exciting in the attractions ! On 23 august, there was my birthday, and every family went at home for a dinner. I received cd, video game, … And on 3 September, I was happy and unhappy to returned at the school.


Réponse: re:Textes a corriger!urgent de lucile83, postée le 2004-08-27 15:40:48 (S | E)
Voici une 1ere correction:
On 4 th and 5 th of July, I went to the party in my village, it was very funny ! And I was drinking a soda when my best friend called me, It was Benjamin. But I just danced on the techno music. On 25th of July, I went to Luxembourg with my parents, and we bought a lot of things. I bought a video game, it was Final Fantasy. Every week, I went to the cinema. I saw Spiderman, Matrix, Butterfly Effect … But at one moment, I had some to make the same thing all the time enough (désoléé je ne comprends pas cette phrase). Then one day, on 7th of August, I decided to have a day off and go to an entertainment park with my friends. We decided to go to Six Flags Belgium. It was very exciting in the attractions ! On 23rd of august, it was my birthday, and all my family came home for dinner. I received cd, video game, … And on 3 rd of September, I was happy and unhappy to have to return to school.

Tu devrais essayer de corriger les 2 autres tout seul;
Bye


Réponse: re:Textes a corriger!urgent de serena, postée le 2004-08-28 05:38:55 (S | E)
bonjour backserious

puisque lucile a corrigé ton premier sujet, je me propose de te faire le deuxième. mais j'ai eu beaucoup de mal à comprendre certaines phrases, donc ce que tu voulais dire par là. je ne sais pas si tu vas tenir compte de certains changements radicaux que j'ai faits, mais je te demande de le faire pour ton bien. tu as encore beaucoup de progrès à faire.
et un conseil : ne rédige pas tes textes en français pour les traduire ensuite en anglais, car je suis sûre que c'est ce que tu as fait. voilà ce que je te propose :

Biography: Alexander the great

He was born in Pella on 356 BC. From 336 to 323 BC, he was the greater soldier who left an important mark on history. He created the bigger empire and developed the Greek knowledge in the known world. He was the son of Philippe II, and he had received a strong military and politic training since he was very young. When his father died, he took power. He was 20 years old. He brought together the Greek to fight against the common enemy, the Persians. He led at least 30000 infantrymen and 5000 riders. He went across the Hellespont, and annexed the Persian empire to his. He won the battle in 334 BC against Darius III. After that, He penetrated Egypt and founded Alexandria. He dispersed the army of Darius in Mesopotamia. He was the ruler of the Persian empire. He moved towards India and fought against Poros and then married Roxane, who was Darius III’s daughter. On 323 BC, although he still hoped to conquer other lands, he died.

( known world : je ne sais pas ce que tu veux dire par là )


Réponse: re:Textes a corriger!urgent de serena, postée le 2004-08-28 06:00:06 (S | E)
Futur(proche):Next Week-end

Friday evening I’m going to go to one evening organized in my village. I’m going to be with my friends and one going to go dancer and to discuss with girls. Then one going to return worm 2-3h of the morning. The following day, I’m going to go has my match of Rugby and one will gain like always
! But after midday I’m going to work for the school because I’m going to have tests for the following week. The evening I’m going to make my match of table tennis where my team is going to win! Sunday morning, I’m going to make the grace morning, and towards 10h30 I’m going to wake up myself for have my breakfast which going to be to compose of crescent, and of the bread, and a good coffee! After midday will be calm and I wouldn’t make large thing! The evening I’m going to look at a good dvd on my ps2!

Blackserious, ce que j'ai mis en gras sont des constuctions on ne peut plus incorrectes, voire terriblement fausses et terre-à-terre. Et je n'ai pas marquer en gras TOUTES tes fautes. Alors, nous avons fait un effort pour te faire tes deux premiers textes, à toi d'en faire pour celui-là qui est vraiment incompréhensible.

Et puis, ce n'est pas parce qu'on te demande d'utiliser le futur proche que tu ne dois en aucun cas employer le futur avec "will" ! ça dépend de la construction de tes phrases.

Allez, courage ! on attend de voir tes progrès.....urgentes.




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