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Correction présentation orale (1)

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Correction présentation orale
Message de moschoden posté le 02-06-2008 à 16:38:24 (S | E | F)

Coucou, je fais une nouvelle fois appel à vos connaissances en anglais pour m'aider à corriger une présentation que je vais devoir faire à l'oral mercredi, dans le cadre d'un concours pour les écoles de commerce.

Good afternoon,
My name is **********, I was born twenty-one years ago in Nantes. Today I live in “********”, between Nantes and Chateaubriand.
So, i’m going to present my school and university records to you. I spent my years of "college"(??) and high school in ******************, a private institution in Nantes. After obtaining a high-school degree with a major in Economics and social and a speciality in Economics, I attended the University of Nantes for a DEUG in science of economics. After obtaining my DEUG with honors, I took the MESSAGE exam to integrate the MSG bachelor in UNEVILLE institute of Economics and management. (It’s an institution member of the IAE network).The MSG bachelor is a generalist and selective formation for future manager. So, I have not the results of my exams, but I think I have another honor.
I had chosen to make the end of my formation in a business school because, I think, it’s the best way to have an important visibility in the work market. Mastère in business school have a good rating, and I think are a good springboard to the Professional World. More later, I hope to become a technologic project manager, and business school is a good way to achieve this.
The possibility to make an optional year is very attractive. I hope I’ll can do a long internship in American’s firm between my second and my last year in the school. It’s a good opportunity for me, to improve my English skills and discover the American’s way to work. Ideally, a stage in New York , because I have ever been in this city last summer.
Except study, I like read and I’m passionate of informatics and new technologies in general. A lot of my friends are student in Engineer school, and it’s a good way for me to stay connected at the world of science and new tech. The dream for me would be working at google or microsoft. This is typical firms who are leader in new technologic and where it’s seems to be quit to work.
Except these hobbies, I put into the World Wide Fund association. This famous association fight against global warming, the defense of animals or the forest’s destruction. I am a volunteer on specific missions to raise public awareness of environmental problems.
I am also president of a young association who help other student association in management, or accountability task. It’s a good way to improve my communication and apply my knowledge in management.
During my first part of study in the university I have make few different “summer job” in farm for example and internship in Bank, especially in management control. During my internship I realized an audit work on financial products linked to real estate.
I think I’m hard worker; I’m sociable, it’s important to become a good manager, but I know I’ve a lot of weakness , like my englisch skill for example, but I try always to improve my knowledge. For example, in English, I’ve make the Assimile method in the whole year, and I went several time to dialog groups in English to develop my English skills.

Thank you for your time that you granted me, and have a nice evening.



Merci par avance !



Réponse: Correction présentation orale de laure95, postée le 03-06-2008 à 10:38:15 (S | E)
Bonjour moschoden! Voici ce que tu dois corriger (dans l'ordre):
- mets ta date de naissance au lieu d'une structure avec ago.
- change "records" (c'est un disque).
- inverse instutution and member.
present perfect avec yet pour dire que tu n'as pas encore tes résultats et le futur pour dire que tu pense avoir une mention.
- pourquoi le pluperfect "had chosen"? Mets le present perfect.
- "are" n'a pas de sujet.
- later et non "more later": later est déjà au comparatif de supériorité.
- "it" à la place de "this".
- "will be able to" car tu ne peux pas mettre 2 modaux (will et can) à la suite.
- pas de cas possessif après American (c'est un adjectif).
- verbe en -ing après les verbes de goût.
- montre que tu connais"many" à la place de "a lot of".
- infinitif après "would be", "my dream" à la place de "the dream for me".
- pas la bonne préposition après "work".
- choisis entre "is" et "seem".
- "fight" a un sujet singulier!!!, de même pour "help".
- "have make": present perfect= HAVE au présent + participe passé du verbe!!! (2 erreurs)
- article devant "hard".
- adverbe de fréquence devant le verbe.
- présent BE+-Ing pour "try".
- present perfect à la place de"wen": tu parles de ton expérience.
Bonne chance pour les corrections.




Réponse: Correction présentation orale de moschoden, postée le 03-06-2008 à 11:34:16 (S | E)
Merci beaucoup de m'avoir corrigé ^^, c'est très gentil.
J'ai procédé aux changements, ce qui donne :

Good afternoon,
My name is **************, I ‘m twenty one. Today I live in “**************”, between Nantes and Chateaubriand.
So, i’m going to present my school and university trail to you. I spent my years of college and high school in ******************* private institution in Nantes. After obtaining a high-school degree with a major in Economics and social and a speciality in Economics, I attended the University of Nantes for a DEUG in science of economics. After obtaining my DEUG with honors, I took the MESSAGE exam to integrate the MSG bachelor in Nantes institute of Economics and management. (It’s a member institution of the IAE network).The MSG bachelor is a generalist and selective formation for future manager. So, I had not the results of my exams, but I think I will have another honor.
I had chose to make the end of my formation in a business school because, I think, it’s the best way to have an important visibility in the work market. Mastère in business school have a good rating, and I think it’s a good springboard to the Professional World. Later, I hope to become a technologic project manager, and business school is a good way to achieve it.
The possibility to make an optional year is very attractive. I hope be able to do a long internship in American’s firm between my second and my last year in the school. It’s a good opportunity for me, to improve my English skills and discover the American way to work. Ideally, a stage in New York city , because I have ever been in this city last summer.
Except study, I like reading and I’m passionate of informatics and new technologies in general. Many of my friends are student in Engineer school, and it’s a good way for me to stay connected at the world of science and new tech. My dream would be work to google or microsoft. This is typical firms who are leader in new technologic and where it seems to be quit to work.
Except these hobbies, I put into the World Wide Fund association. This famous association fights against global warming, the defense of animals or the forest’s destruction. I am a volunteer on specific missions to raise public awareness of environmental problems.
I am also president of a young association who helps other student association in management, or accountability task. It’s a good way to improve my communication and apply my knowledge in management.
During my first part of study in the university I have made few different “summer job” in farm for example and internship in Bank, especially in management control. During my internship I realized an audit work on financial products linked to real estate.
I think I’m a hard worker; I’m sociable, it’s important to become a good manager, but I know I’ve a lot of weakness , like my englisch skill for example, but I ‘m trying always to improve my knowledge. For example, in English, I’ve made the Assimile method in the whole year, and I have gone several time to dialog groups in English to develop my English skills.

Thank you for your time that you granted me, and have a nice evening.


Y'aurait-il encore des erreurs ?



Réponse: Correction présentation orale de costic, postée le 03-06-2008 à 17:35:20 (S | E)
Good afternoon,
My name is **************, I ‘m twenty one. Today I live in “**************”, between Nantes and Chateaubriand.
[]I’m going to present you my school and university trail. I was in a private institution in Nantes for all the years of studies, from college to high school. After having passed a high-school degree with a major in Economics and Social, and a speciality in Economics, I joined the University of Nantes in order to pick a DEUG in science of economics, which I passed successfully, with honours (mais je pense qu’il faudrait metre “honneurs” qui est une distinction française). Then, I took the MESSAGE exam to integrate the MSG bachelor in Nantes institute of Economics and management. (It’s a member [] of the IAE network).The MSG bachelor is a generalist and selective formation for future managers. So, I still not have the results of my exams (ou plutot : I don’t have the results yet), but I think I will have another honour..
I have chosen a business school to end my formation, because, I think, it’s the best way to get an important visibility in the work market. “Mastère” in business school have a good rating(??? je choisirais : “is really popular”, mais au pire, tu gardes ce que tu as mis en chageant le temps : “has a good rating…”) , and I think (tu “think” too much essaies autre chose) it’s a good springboard to the Professional World. Later, I hope (je mettrais : “I wish” qui est moins pessimiste dans ce cas ;) ) to become a technologic project manager, and business school is a good way to achieve it.
The possibility to make an optional year is very attractive. I hope to (mais je mettrais I’d like to…) be able to do a long internship in American’s firm between my (on sait que ce sont les tiennes, c’est juste, mais c’est un peu lourd, je crois que “the” serait plus approprié) second and my (idem) last year in the school. It’s a good (change un peu : “it’s a real …”) opportunity for me, to improve my English skills and discover the American way to work. Ideally, a stage in New York city , because I have [] been in this city last summer (so what?).
Except study (studying), I like reading and I’m passionate of (about?) informatics and new technologies in general. Many of my friends are students in Engineer school, and it’s a good (encore?) way for me to stay connected at the world of science and new tech. My dream would be to work to (for) google or Microsoft (un autre exemple : “A dream of mine (ou One of my dream) is to work for corporations like Google or Microsoft” Dans cette forme je préfère le present perfect au conditionnel parce que tu sais de quoi tu rêves…). This is typically the firms who (which) are leaders in new technologic and where it seems to be quit (quite?) to work.
Except these hobbies, I put into the World Wide Fund association. This famous association fights against global warming, the defense of animals or the forest’s destruction. I am a volunteer on specific missions to raise public awareness of environmental problems.
I am also president of a young association who (which) helps other student association in management, or accountability task. It’s a good (et encore…? ;) ) way to improve my communication and apply my knowledge in management.
During my first part of study in the university I have made few different “summer job” in farm, for example, and internship in Bank, especially in management control. During my internship, I realized an audit work on financial products linked to real estate.
I think I’m a hard worker; I’m sociable, it’s important to become a good manager, but I know I’ve a lot of weakness (weaknesses), like my english skills for example, but I ‘m trying always to improve (I try to always improve…) my knowledge. For example, in English, I’ve made (lol, c’est toi qui l’a faite??? ^^ Essaies autre chose… comme.. “I’ve studied..”)the Assimile method in the whole year, and I have gone (tense…) several time to dialog groups in English to develop my skills

-------------------
Modifié par costic le 03-06-2008 17:41


Réponse: Correction présentation orale de costic, postée le 03-06-2008 à 17:37:09 (S | E)
J ai corrigé ce que je pense être plus raisonnable, mais je n'ai pas pris le temps de tous souligner. je te laisse le soin de faire la différence par toi même
Attention, il peut subsister des erreurs...(je suis loin d'être un expert ;) )




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