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Advertising/correction

Cours gratuits > Forum > Forum anglais: Questions sur l'anglais || En bas

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Advertising/correction
Message de kathleen55 posté le 03-04-2011 à 18:20:10 (S | E | F)
Bonjour,
je dois préparer un commentaire de publicité à l'oral,
pouvez-vous me dire s'il vous plaît si j'ai des erreurs?
Merci beaucoup.

This document is a part of an advertising campaign launched by the foundation UNCF which focuses on the educational status of African Americans from preschool through adulthood.
This advertising is composed of a photo showing in the foreground two young men; we can't see their faces but we can imagine they are the same than on the smaller pictures which are stuck on the two young men's bodies. On these pictures we can see the name of each of the teenagers. Indeed the one on the left is named Jason Banks and the one on the right Earl Dozier. Underneath their faces there's a little caption saying their respective dreams : Jason dreams of studying foreign relations and help countries get along and Earl dreams of becoming a dentist whom kids love going to. These teenagers look serious; indeed both are smartly dressed, they are wearing tuxedos and the one on the left is wearing glasses.They seem studious and determined. We can imagine they are students at university.
What is surprising is that conversely, the young men in the main picture look relaxed, judging by their casual clothes : indeed the one on the left is wearing black sneakers, a military print pants with a chain hanged on his belt and his pants pocket. He's also wearing a sleeveless tee shirt, white socks, a chain round his neck and another round his right wrist. The young man on the right is wearing a sleeveless tee shirt, white socks too, a chain round his right wrist, another round his belt and his jogging suit pocket. Moreover he's wearing white sneakers and a ring on his left little finger. We can add that the right side bottom of their pants is turned up so it emphasizes their relaxed look.
In the background we notice what seems to be a derelict building, judging by the bricks missing on the walls, the heap of rubble on the floor and the bars on the window. We can deduce the teenagers are in a back street situated in an inner city so they may be delinquents who are selling drug, besides we can see on the picture the boy on the left is giving something to the hand of the other boy, hence we might think it's drug.
At the bottom of the photo, there's the slogan of the foundation written in white capital letters saying " A mind is a terrible thing to waste" , actually it stresses the importance of going to school and on the fact that drop out of school is a bad decision which could drop young African Americans in delinquency.
In the bottom right hand corner of the ad, we can see the logo of the foundation which is actually a torch with a flame and an handle composed of the initials "UNCF" corresponding to the foundation name "the United Negro College Fund".
At the very bottom of the ad, we can also find its website address and telephone number to make sure people can contact them.
The main color is black; it represents the gloomy future which awaits them if they leave school too soon.
This ad targets young African Americans who are susceptible to drop out of school and thus who are susceptible to sink into poverty or even drug trafficking or alcoholism.
In fact, the advertisers have a message to convey to all young African Americans : indeed they want to convince them that in going to school they secure their future and therefore they can avoid delinquency.
Finally,we can say the techniques used by the advertisers are effective. Indeed, the choice of a close up of two young African Americans who apparently have turned out badly and the vision of who they could have become if they continue their studies ; is interesting because young can realize that studies are a chance to succeed in life. As a result, the advertisers have reached their goal, that is to say they caught our attention.

-------------------
Modifié par kathleen55 le 03-04-2011 18:21


-------------------
Modifié par lucile83 le 03-04-2011 18:33



Réponse: Advertising/correction de notrepere, postée le 03-04-2011 à 20:25:47 (S | E)
Hello

This document is a part of an advertising campaign launched by the foundation (1) UNCF which focuses on the educational status (2) of African Americans from preschool through adulthood.

(1) inutile
(2) pas exact

This advertising is composed of a photo showing in the foreground (3) two young men; we can't see their faces but we can imagine they are the same than (4) on the smaller pictures which are stuck on the two young men's bodies. On these pictures we can see the name of each of the teenagers. Indeed the one on the left is named Jason Banks and the one on the right Earl Dozier. Underneath their faces there's a little caption saying their respective dreams : Jason dreams of studying foreign relations and help (5) countries get along and Earl dreams of becoming a dentist whom kids love going to. These teenagers look serious; indeed both are smartly dressed, they are wearing tuxedos and the one on the left is wearing glasses. They seem studious and determined. We can imagine they are students at university.

(3) après "two young men"
(4) on dit "the same as", "different than"
(5) forme +ing





Réponse: Advertising/correction de kathleen55, postée le 03-04-2011 à 20:51:28 (S | E)
Merci Voilà ma correction :

This document is a part of an advertising campaign launched by the foundation UNCF which focuses on the educational status of African Americans from preschool through adulthood.
This advertising comprises a photo showing two young men in the foreground; we can't see their faces but we can imagine they are the same as on the smaller pictures which are stuck on the two young men's bodies. On these pictures we can see the name of each of the teenagers. Indeed the one on the left is named Jason Banks and the one on the right Earl Dozier. Underneath their faces there's a little caption saying their respective aims : Jason dreams of studying foreign relations and helping countries get along and Earl dreams of becoming a dentist whom kids love going to. These teenagers look serious; indeed both are smartly dressed, they are wearing tuxedos and the one on the left is wearing glasses.They seem studious and determined. We can imagine they are students at university.
What is surprising is that conversely, the young men in the main picture look relaxed, judging by their casual clothes : indeed the one on the left is wearing black sneakers, a military print trousers with a chain put on from his belt to his pants pocket. He's also wearing a sleeveless tee shirt, white socks, a chain round his neck and another round his right wrist. The young man on the right is wearing a sleeveless tee shirt, white socks too, a chain round his right wrist, another round his belt and his jogging suit pocket. Moreover he's wearing white sneakers and a ring on his left little finger. We are able to add that the right side bottom of their pants is turned up so it emphasizes their relaxed look.
In the background we notice what seems to be a derelict building, judging by the bricks missing on the walls, the heap of rubble on the floor and the bars on the window. We can deduce the teenagers are in a back street situated in an inner city so they may be delinquents who are selling drugs, besides we can see on the picture the boy on the left is giving something to the other boy, hence we might think it's some drug.
At the bottom of the photo, there's the slogan of the foundation written in white capital letters saying " A mind is a terrible thing to waste" , actually it stresses the importance of going to school and on the fact that droping out of school is a bad decision which could lead young African Americans to delinquency.
In the bottom right hand corner of the ad, we can see the logo of the foundation which is actually a torch with a flame and an handle composed of the initials "UNCF" corresponding to the foundation's name : "the United Negro College Fund".
At the very bottom of the ad, we can also find its website address and telephone number to make sure people can contact them.
The main color is black; it represents the gloomy future which awaits them if they leave school too soon.
This ad targets young African Americans who are susceptible to drop out of school and thus who are susceptible to sink into poverty or even drug trafficking or alcoholism.
In fact, the advertisers have a message to convey to all young African Americans : indeed they want to convince them that in going to school they secure their future and therefore they can avoid delinquency.
Finally, we can say that the techniques used by the advertisers are effective. Indeed, the choice of a close up of two young African Americans who apparently have turned out badly and the vision of who they could have become if they had continued their studies is interesting because young are able to realize that studies are a chance to succeed in life. As a result, the advertisers have reached their goal, that is to say they caught our attention.




Réponse: Advertising/correction de notrepere, postée le 04-04-2011 à 06:08:13 (S | E)
Hello

Très bien. Regardez encore les corrections données pour le premier paragraphe.

...on the fact that dropping out of school...

This ad targets young African Americans who are susceptible to drop (forme +ing) out of school and thus who are susceptible to sink (forme +ing) into poverty or even drug trafficking or alcoholism.

...convince them that in (by) going to school

...is interesting because young (youths) are able



Réponse: Advertising/correction de kathleen55, postée le 04-04-2011 à 09:39:37 (S | E)
Merci, voilà ma correction, j'espère avoir bien corrigé les erreurs :

This document is a part of an advertising campaign launched by UNCF which focuses on the education of African Americans from preschool through adulthood.
This advertising comprises a photo showing two young men in the foreground; we can't see their faces but we can imagine they are the same as on the smaller pictures which are stuck on the two young men's bodies. On these pictures we can see the name of each of the teenagers. Indeed the one on the left is named Jason Banks and the one on the right Earl Dozier. Underneath their faces there's a little caption saying their respective aims : Jason dreams of studying foreign relations and helping countries get along and Earl dreams of becoming a dentist whom kids love going to. These teenagers look serious; indeed both are smartly dressed, they are wearing tuxedos and the one on the left is wearing glasses.They seem studious and determined. We can imagine they are students at university.
What is surprising is that conversely, the young men in the main picture look relaxed, judging by their casual clothes : indeed the one on the left is wearing black sneakers, a military print trousers with a chain put on from his belt to his pants pocket. He's also wearing a sleeveless tee shirt, white socks, a chain round his neck and another round his right wrist. The young man on the right is wearing a sleeveless tee shirt, white socks too, a chain round his right wrist, another round his belt and his jogging suit pocket. Moreover he's wearing white sneakers and a ring on his left little finger. We are able to add that the right side bottom of their pants is turned up so it emphasizes their relaxed look.
In the background we notice what seems to be a derelict building, judging by the bricks missing on the walls, the heap of rubble on the floor and the bars on the window. We can deduce the teenagers are in a back street situated in an inner city so they may be delinquents who are selling drugs, besides we can see on the picture the boy on the left is giving something to the other boy, hence we might think it's some drug.
At the bottom of the photo, there's the slogan of the foundation written in white capital letters saying " A mind is a terrible thing to waste" , actually it stresses the importance of going to school and on the fact that dropping out of school is a bad decision which could lead young African Americans to delinquency.
In the bottom right hand corner of the ad, we can see the logo of the foundation which is actually a torch with a flame and an handle composed of the initials "UNCF" corresponding to the foundation's name : "the United Negro College Fund".
At the very bottom of the ad, we can also find its website address and telephone number to make sure people can contact them.
The main color is black; it represents the gloomy future which awaits them if they leave school too soon.
This ad targets young African Americans who are susceptible to dropping out of school and thus who are susceptible to sinking into poverty or even drug trafficking or alcoholism.
In fact, the advertisers have a message to convey to all young African Americans : indeed they want to convince them that by going to school they secure their future and therefore they can avoid delinquency.
Finally, we can say that the techniques used by the advertisers are effective. Indeed, the choice of a close up of two young African Americans who apparently have turned out badly and the vision of who they could have become if they had continued their studies is interesting because youths are able to realize that studies are a chance to succeed in life. As a result, the advertisers have reached their goal, that is to say they caught our attention.




Réponse: Advertising/correction de kathleen55, postée le 04-04-2011 à 18:33:45 (S | E)
Please can somebody help me? thank you



Réponse: Advertising/correction de notrepere, postée le 04-04-2011 à 19:26:30 (S | E)
Hello

I don't find any major faults in your text. As I mentioned before, UNCF is not really a "foundation" it's an "organization".

Lien Internet


In the bottom right hand corner of the ad, we can see the logo of the foundation which is actually a torch with a flame and an handle composed of the initials "UNCF" corresponding to the foundation's name : "the United Negro College Fund".

"the" is not part of the name.

If I were to nitpick, I would say that you use the word "indeed" too often when it's not necessary, but it's not really wrong.

Overall, your text is very good.



Réponse: Advertising/correction de kathleen55, postée le 04-04-2011 à 21:53:02 (S | E)
Ok thank you




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