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Spaces and Exchanges/Correction

Cours gratuits > Forum > Forum anglais: Questions sur l'anglais || En bas

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Spaces and Exchanges/Correction
Message de thomaslcs posté le 29-02-2016 à 18:48:48 (S | E | F)
Bonjour à tous,
ayant le Bac à la fin de l'année j'essaye de m'avancer un peu. J'ai donc préparé mon oral d'anglais sur la notion d'espaces et échanges et j'aimerai beaucoup avoir des avis et même si vous le pouvez une rapide correction xxx.
Merci beaucoup pour votre aide!

What is an exchange? It could be defined as the act of giving something and receiving another in return. In fact all these exchanges can take several forms such as economic, cultural or human ones. During this presentation, we will focus on the last one, the human flows. It's one of the most interesting aspects because when people move they bring their whole life and experiences with them and this leads to far bigger exchanges than just money trades. To study this kind of exchanges we cannot avoid taking a look at the American situation since this country is based on immigration. Indeed so many different people settled down in the U.S. that one will not be able to define an average American type. America is one great community that succeeded in gathering all these different persons under the same laws and same ideals without compels anybody to fit into one archetype. It is what is called the melting pot. How has United States become the multicultural country it is today? First, we will discuss and compare the different reasons that made people immigrate to the U.S. before talking about the situation immigrants must face when they get there.

First of all, we will look over the pull factors that have led people to immigrate to the U.S.
On the one hand, you have to say that this country embodies freedom. Indeed, there is a good reason the statue of Liberty is the most recognized icon of the U.S. in the world. It is because it depicts a goddess enlightening the path to freedom and knowledge, trampling at the same time shackles that tied up her legs, being like this release from any type of slavery. So the U.S. are perceived as a place where people can reach their ideal more easily. We can quote Thomas Paine who stated that America was “The Asylum for the persecuted lovers of civil and religious liberty from every part of Europe”.
Then, another reason to immigration is that people want to achieve the “American dream” allowing them knowing success regardless of their social class or circumstances of birth. Whether it was during the main immigration waves between 1800 and 1950 when people were stripped of their lands or now mainly in Mexico where people struggle to survive with few resources, people just want to improve their standard of living by moving to the U.S. They yearn for food, education, work, higher wages… They are seeking a country where their descendants could live in peace and happiness.
All these waves have created a country influenced by cultures from all around the world. For example, in New York as we could read in the text the main immigration waves to the USA “one could find the whole world in a single neighborhood”. People can interact with each other even without moving in another country and therefore create a culture cohabitation called today the melting pot. People live together even if they do not have the same background and behavior. It allows people to exchange lots of things and learn tolerance.

Now we will discuss the fact that immigration has always been a burning issue in the U.S. and show how American behavior can sometimes lead to a drop in exchanges between people.
Indeed, immigrants throughout centuries were accepted as long as the economy was strong. When it slowed down, they were the first to be blamed for it while as it is explained in the text the main immigration waves “Foreign immigration which in the past has added so much to the wealth, resources and increase of power to the nation… should be encouraged”. Besides, people back in 1880 till 1930 had to be checked in Ellis Island to get the right to enter the U.S., some have to wait for ages in dreadful conditions before being admitted while some were sent all the way back home without having any chances to enhance their life. Nonetheless this last kind of situation had hardly ever happened for real, actually “all but 1% were eventually admitted” as we found out watching the report The Statue of Liberty.
Nowadays, Americans put up a fight to send illegal immigrants back home while factories foster the opposite because they supply cheap labor. It is a major issue. Americans must realize that if they send illegal immigrants home their whole economy system will not get through this and even though they stay, they have to stop exploiting them to death. Illegal immigrants are not coming in order to mess the country up but to work. Jose explains in An Illegal Immigrant’s Life in the U.S. that even if people make him do the worst job in the world he would be willing to do it because he just wants to bring bread back home.
Finally, the American Government has decided to slacken the policy about sending home illegal immigrants as President Obama said in his speech “Are we a nation that educates the world’s best and brightest in our universities, only to send them home to compete against us? Or are we a nation that encourages them to stay and create jobs here?”. Obviously, he prefers leave young people who are already a part of the rising generation in peace thanks to policy like DACA in order to focus on more urgent plagues such as terrorists and newly arrivals.

To conclude, America has become a multicultural country firstly thanks to all the different immigration waves that took place during all the crisis the world got through and still happens today. Indeed it leads people from Asia, Europe, Africa and any other part of the world to settle down in America whether it be to follow his own convictions or because it was a necessity. This allows a lot of exchanges between people that creates this wonderful cultural mix. Nevertheless, we must add that this mixing has been and still is confronted with American hostility toward immigration, but even if throughout centuries immigrants were considered as a kind of scapegoat, the American population must not forget that they definitely have relatives who were immigrants and had to face all this. Finally, the USA must actually be considered as the reflection of the world because with globalization, exchanges are easier and this enables people to broaden their mind. We can draw a parallel between this notion and the one of idea of progress because all these immigration waves were very rewarding to the USA as they have allowed it to prosper and become the great power we know.

-------------------
Modifié par lucile83 le 29-02-2016 21:36


Réponse: Spaces and Exchanges/Correction de laure95, postée le 29-02-2016 à 19:15:08 (S | E)
Bonsoir,
Introduction bien construite mais un peu longue entre ta définition et ta problématique.
- their whole life (pluriel) and experiences with them
- Indeed so many different people settled (présent perfect)down in the U.S.
- America is one great community that succeeded (présent perfect)in gathering all these different persons (people)
- without compels: pas la bonne forme du verbe.

- you have to say: ?
- Indeed, there is a good reason (il manque un mot)the statue of Liberty is .
- So the U.S. are perceived as a place where people can reach their ideal (pluriel)more easily.
- in Mexico where people struggle (présent continu)to survive with few resources,
- For example, in New York as we could read in the text the main immigration waves to the USA (probléme de liaison)“one could find the whole world in a single neighborhood”.

- as it is explained in the text (quel texte?)the main immigration waves “Foreign immigration which in the past has added so much
- some have to wait for ages in dreadful conditions: temps)
- any chances: singulier)to enhance their life (pluriel)
- Americans must realize that if they send illegal immigrants (il manque un mot) home

- Obviously, he prefers leave (pas la bonne forme verbale) young people

- whether it be to follow:
_ with American hostility toward (orthographe) immigration,
- but even if throughout centuries immigrants were considered as a kind of scapegoat (pluriel)

Bonne conclusion, bien de faire un lien avec une autre notion.
Dans tes parties, tu ne fais pas toujours assez référence de manière explicite aux différents documents que tu as étudiés en classe.



Réponse: Spaces and Exchanges/Correction de thomaslcs, postée le 01-03-2016 à 11:23:13 (S | E)
Merci beaucoup pour cette correction complète! Je poste donc le texte après correction et application (je l'espère) de vos conseils

What is an exchange? It could be defined as the act of giving something and receiving another in return. In fact all these exchanges can take several forms such as economic, cultural or human ones. During this presentation, we will focus on the last one, the human flows. It's one of the most interesting aspects because when people move they bring their whole lives with them and this leads to far bigger exchanges than just money trades. To study this kind of exchanges we cannot avoid taking a look at the American situation since this country is based on immigration. Indeed so many different people have settled down in the U.S. that one will not be able to define an average American type. How has United States become the multicultural country it is today? First, we will discuss and compare the different reasons that made people immigrate to the U.S. before talking about the situation immigrants must face when they get there.

First of all, we will look over the pull factors that have led people to immigrate to the U.S.
On the one hand, this country embodies freedom. Indeed, there is a good reason why the statue of Liberty is the most recognized icon of the U.S. in the world. It is because it depicts a goddess enlightening the path to freedom and knowledge, trampling at the same time shackles that tied up her legs, being like this release from any type of slavery. So the U.S. are perceived as a place where people can reach their ideals more easily. We can quote Thomas Paine who stated that America was “The Asylum for the persecuted lovers of civil and religious liberty from every part of Europe”.
Then, another reason to immigration is that people want to achieve the “American dream” allowing them knowing success regardless of their social class or circumstances of birth. Whether it was during the main immigration waves between 1800 and 1950 when people were stripped of their lands or now mainly in Mexico where people are struggling to survive with few resources, people just want to improve their standard of living by moving to the U.S. They yearn for food, education, work, higher wages… They are seeking a country where their descendants could live in peace and happiness.
All these waves have created a country influenced by cultures from all around the world. For example, as we could read in the text the main immigration waves to the USA in New York “one could find the whole world in a single neighborhood”. America has succeeded in gathering all these different people under the same laws and same ideals without compelling anybody to fit into one archetype. People can interact with each other without even moving in another country and therefore create a culture cohabitation called today the melting pot. People live together even if they do not have the same background and behavior. It allows people to exchange lots of things and learn tolerance.

Now we will discuss the fact that immigration has always been a burning issue in the U.S. and show how American behavior can sometimes lead to a drop in exchanges between people.
Indeed, immigrants throughout centuries were accepted as long as the economy was strong. When it slowed down, they were the first to be blamed for it while as it is explained in the text the main immigration waves “Foreign immigration which in the past has added so much to the wealth, resources and increase of power to the nation… should be encouraged”. Besides, people back in 1880 till 1930 had to be checked in Ellis Island to get the right to enter the U.S., some had to wait for ages in dreadful conditions before being admitted while some were sent all the way back home without having any chance to enhance their lives. Nonetheless this last kind of situation had hardly ever happened for real, actually “all but 1% were eventually admitted” as we found out watching the report The Statue of Liberty.
Nowadays, Americans put up a fight to send illegal immigrants back home while factories foster the opposite because they supply cheap labor. It is a major issue. Americans must realize that if they send illegal immigrants back home their whole economy system will not get through this and even though they stay, they have to stop exploiting them to death. Illegal immigrants are not coming in order to mess the country up but to work. Jose explains in the oral comprehension An Illegal Immigrant’s Life in the U.S. that even if people make him do the worst job in the world he would be willing to do it because he just wants to bring bread back home.
Finally, the American Government has decided to slacken the policy about sending home illegal immigrants as President Obama said in one of his speeches we have studied in class “Are we a nation that educates the world’s best and brightest in our universities, only to send them home to compete against us? Or are we a nation that encourages them to stay and create jobs here?”. Obviously, he prefers leaving young people who are already a part of the rising generation in peace thanks to policy like DACA in order to focus on more urgent plagues such as terrorists and newly arrivals.

To conclude, America has become a multicultural country firstly thanks to all the different immigration waves that took place during all the crisis the world got through and still happens today. Indeed it leads people from Asia, Europe, Africa and any other part of the world to settle down in America whether it be to follow their own convictions or because it was a necessity. This allows a lot of exchanges between people that creates this wonderful cultural mix. Nevertheless, we must add that this mixing has been and still is confronted with American hostility towards immigration, but even if throughout centuries immigrants were considered as a kind of scapegoats, the American population must not forget that they definitely have relatives who were immigrants and had to face all this. Finally, the USA must actually be considered as the reflection of the world because with globalization, exchanges are easier and this enables people to broaden their mind. We can draw a parallel between this notion and the one of idea of progress because all these immigration waves were very rewarding to the USA as they have allowed it to prosper and become the great power we know.



Réponse: Spaces and Exchanges/Correction de laure95, postée le 01-03-2016 à 11:58:09 (S | E)
Bonjour,
- the act of giving something and receiving another (pas le bon mot) in return.
- It's one of the most interesting aspects because when people move they bring their whole lives with them and this leads to far bigger exchanges than just money trades: phrase à enlever.
- that one will not be able to define an average American type: à enlever.
- How has (majuscule)United States become the multicultural country it is today?

-there is a good reason why: enlever.
-It is because: enlever.
- We can quote Thomas Paine who stated that America was “The Asylum for the persecuted lovers of civil and religious liberty from every part of Europe”: si tu cites cette personne, tu dois dire qui c'est.
- circumstances (mal forumulé)of birth.
- For example, as we could read in the text: de quel texte parles-tu?
- the main immigration waves to the USA in New York (probléme d'enchaînement avec la citation)“one could find the whole world in a single neighborhood”.

- When it slowed down, they were the first to be blamed for it while as it is explained in the text: quel texte?
- the main immigration waves (les 2 parties de ta phrase ne s'enchaînent pas)“Foreign immigration which in the past has added so much to the wealth, resources and increase of power to the nation… should be encouraged”.
- Besides, people back in 1880 till 1930: mal formulé.
- Obviously, he prefers leave:pas la bonne forme de LEAVE.
- to (article)policy like DACA

-and any other part: plurielà.
- Nevertheless, we must add that this mixing has been and still is confronted with American hostility toward immigration, but even if throughout centuries immigrants were considered as a kind of scapegoat, the American population must not forget that they definitely have relatives who were immigrants and had to face all this: phrase trop longue.



Réponse: Spaces and Exchanges/Correction de thomaslcs, postée le 01-03-2016 à 19:08:29 (S | E)
Bonsoir je n'ai pas reposté le texte en entiers, il me reste quelques questions.
- the act of giving something and receiving another (pas le bon mot) in return. Je ne vois pas par quoi remplacer...

- We can quote Thomas Paine, a revolutionary who took a stance on the American War of Independence, who stated that America was “The Asylum for the persecuted lovers of civil and religious liberty from every part of Europe”
- circumstances (mal forumulé)of birth. je ne vois pas non plus (condition maybe?)
- For example, as we could read in the text: de quel texte parles-tu?, (Le titre du texte est souligné) the main immigration waves to the USA in New York (problème d'enchaînement avec la citation : lequel?)“one could find the whole world in a single neighborhood”.

- When it slowed down, they were the first to be blamed for it while as it is explained in the text: quel texte? (la même chose) the main immigration waves (les 2 parties de ta phrase ne s'enchaînent pas)“Foreign immigration which in the past has added so much to the wealth, resources and increase of power to the nation… should be encouraged”.
- Besides, people back in 1880 till 1930 cette expression me paraissait douteuse mais je ne suis pas arrivé à la reformuler d'une autre manière...
- Obviously, he prefers leaving
- to policies like DACA

-and any other parts
- Nevertheless, we must add that this mixing has been and still is confronted with American hostility toward immigration. But even if throughout centuries immigrants were considered as a kind of scapegoat, the American population must not forget that they definitely have relatives who were immigrants and had to face all this



Réponse: Spaces and Exchanges/Correction de laure95, postée le 03-03-2016 à 10:11:27 (S | E)
Bonjour,
-the act of giving something and receiving another (pas le bon mot) in return. Je ne vois pas par quoi remplacer...: SOMETHING ELSE

- We can quote Thomas Paine, a revolutionary who took a stance on the American War of Independence, who stated that America was “The Asylum for the persecuted lovers of civil and religious liberty from every part of Europe”: OK.
- circumstances (mal forumulé)of birth. je ne vois pas non plus (condition maybe?): BACKGROUND (et enlever BIRTH)
- For example, as we could read in the text: de quel texte parles-tu?, (Le titre du texte est souligné) the main immigration waves to the USA in New York (problème d'enchaînement avec la citation : lequel?)“one could find the whole world in a single neighborhood”.OK

- When it slowed down, they were the first to be blamed for it while as it is explained in the text: quel texte? (la même chose) the main immigration waves (les 2 parties de ta phrase ne s'enchaînent pas)“Foreign immigration which in the past has added so much to the wealth, resources and increase of power to the nation… should be encouraged”.OK
- Besides, people back in 1880 till 1930 cette expression me paraissait douteuse mais je ne suis pas arrivé à la reformuler d'une autre manière...: ce qui me gêne c'est BACK in 1880 till 1930.
- Obviously, he prefers leaving OK
- to policies like DACA OK

-and any other parts OK





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